GYNAZOLE
by Mrs.TheKing
Summary: Bella has to fill an embarrassing prescription. Mr. Cullen is the pharmacist there to greet her. Rated M for every reason my twisted mind can come up with. ExB God help us if there is a lemon.
1. Chapter 1

Bella clutched her second prescription in one week to her chest as she approached the pharmacy counter in Target. She hated getting any product filled that was embarrassing. Specifically, medicines required for any part of her body below her belly button and above her knees.

She ordered personal items online. Her tampons and maxi pads arrived in covert, brown boxes on her doorstep. She didn't even have to look at the UPS deliveryman. Bella would peek from behind the curtains in her apartment and wait until he was gone beforeshe would go pick up the package.

But the UTI had snuck up on her like a hairy little kitten. She never got urinary tract infections but when she wound up crying from the burning sensation while peeing, she made an appointment with her decidedly female general practitioner. Bella filled her prescription for antibiotics at her friendly Target pharmacy, comfortingly staffed by discrete-acting ladies. Bella remembered commenting on her pharmacist's large belly. Mrs. Pills was eight and a half months pregnant.

When Bella found herself battling a yeast infection due to the powerful antibiotics, she had to make a return trip to her doctor and picked up her current prescription. Now, as she got to the Target Pharmacy counter again, she waited patently. She didn't see Mrs. Pills, but from the talk Bella overheard of her assistants, she was now both a pharmacist and a happy mom to a healthy baby girl.

Bella didn't notice the gentleman tucking red and white bags into uniformed alphabetic rows until he noticed her first.

She had no time to run, her prescription clearly in view, he unfurled his large frame and his crooked smile at the same time.

_Oh, crap, kill me. Someone kill me dead. A lot. _

"Hello, dropping off?" His voice should have been counting down the hits on some radio station. His green eyes flashed with friendliness and maybe a bit of flirtation.

Bella swallowed hard and nodded.

After an awkward wait, Mr. Cullen, as his name tag claimed, reached between her breasts to pluck the paper from her clenched hands.

He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at her bizarre behavior and smoothed the paper on the laminate counter.

Bella wanted to crap her pants when he announced the name of her drug out loud.

"Gynazole?"

Anything with "Gyn" in it would perk up peoples' ears. Bella looked over her shoulder. What looked to be an entire football team of boys were gathered around a grandmother-aged lady. They were obviously showing her their support in great testosterone filled numbers. Bella was sure the woman's problem was a lot more devastating than her own.

All eyes were trained on Bella. She tried to curl her body into itself and turned back to Mr. Gorgeous McLoudy pants.

Bella whispered quietly, "Yes, that's it. Thank you."

Mr. Cullen leaned closer to hear her. "Ok." He seemed to want to engage in some more conversation. "Have you ever used it before? Because it's a little bit different than your regular VAGINAL crème." His voice just carried, it was like he couldn't stop it if he tried.

Bella let her hands grab one another for support. If she didn't have a wall of teenage meat behind her, she would have run. She wasn't exactly sure, because her heart was pumping loudly in her ears, but she thought the supportive boys behind her were snickering.

"No, I...haven't used it before." Bella was wondering if she could fit in her own purse.

He obviously was quite proud of his extensive knowledge of pharmaceutical products. He decided to spout the difference between "traditional" yeast infection crèmes and GYNAZOLE.

"You see it's one dose administered with an APPLICATOR. It's unique because it contains adhesive that will stick to your VAGINAL WALLS, as opposed to running DOWN YOUR LEGS. I think it's called VAGI-SITE. But let me check." Mr. Cullen ignored the large crowd and began clicking away on his computer.

_Don't check. Good fucks out loud. DON'T check!_

Bella thought the blush she had on her cheeks might actually give her sunburn. She tried to be savvy. She wanted to be an empowered woman who tossed tampons around like confetti to just anyone, but she wasn't. She could always try.

"Yup. That's it. VAGI-SITE. So Ms. Swan, any questions?" He turned his interested, trying-to-be helpful eyes back to her red, red face.

Bella's voice got quieter as she tried to think of something, anything to ask. "Um. Is it unscented?"

Mr. Cullen squinted as if he could turn her volume up by making his eyes smaller. "I'm not sure. Are you allergic to any types of VAGINAL medicines?"

Bella's mouth started talking before her head could shut her up, "Uh…I need to use very gentle soaps because I have sensitive… parts." Her voice was getting higher and higher. Mr. Cullen looked as professional as a brain surgeon. He clearly wanted her to have the correct information.

There were definite stifled chuckles behind her now. Bella was pretty sure her ass was blushing as well. The crack was sweating all on its own, like it was on a super high diving board about to jump.

"Ok, Ms. Swan GYNAZOLE is not a soap. It will not work if you put it in and then rinse it off in the shower." He began patting the prescription paper to emphasize his words.

_Oh God. We're talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter crème. Please world end. Kill me. _

"I know it's not soap. I just… if it's scented… I can't do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit flavored soaps make… things… burnish." She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Cullen had never stepped foot in Bath and Body Works and wanted to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Twist shower gel, foamed up his nether regions and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Bella crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.

Mr. Cullen seemed concerned. "Ok, just a heads up. It's defiantly not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals." He made a 'V' with his two hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.

Bella covered her eyes and tried to defend herself, because now she heard the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.

Bella's mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. "I don't put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the crème is vagina scented. Just plain. For vaginas." She kept her eyes on the counter.

_Stop saying "vagina" you screaming asshole._

The assistants were cooing and ogling pictures on the computer. Mrs. Pills had forwarded images of her newborn baby to her co-workers at the perfect time for them not to come to Bella's aid.

Finally, Mr. Cullen asked her for her phone number and birth date. "You can wait right over there, I'll have this ready in ten minutes. I'm sure the itching is horrendous."

Bella shuffled to the hard blue chairs and grabbed a magazine off the rack to hide behind.

From the questions and directions, Mr. Cullen was obviously Mrs. Pill's temporary replacement for her maternity leave.

Bella peeked over the top of her magazine at him. He was stunning looking and from the way he walked and smiled, he knew it. The assistants would fluff their hair when he wasn't looking and pretend to pinch his butt.

After the football team took care of the lovely grandma, Bella was as alone as one could be in a Target.

Mr. Cullen looked over the counter while he was working to see if she was still there. Just before Bella could scurry her gaze away she saw him look at her magazine and raise his eyebrows in surprise.

Bella hadn't thought to check which magazine she was actually pretending to be reading. She had just needed a shield to hide behind.

She closed it and looked at the cover. It was a copy of Vogue with large print over most of the cover.

**MAKE YOUR ORGASMS LOUDER, HARDER AND LONGER!**

Bella dropped the magazine like it was a snake that had bitten her.

_Fuck you! Crazy lady magazine! _

Bella wanted to cry_. _This was the worst twenty minutes in her entire existence. After all her covert feminine product acquisitions, she was facing everything she had protected herself against. And the drop-dead gorgeous pharmacist had witnessed it all.

He knew her vagina was sensitive to products and that it was itching. Bella contemplated the magazine again. She wondered if she could actually paper cut herself to death while waiting in the chairs.

Mr. Cullen called her name, "Ms. Swan? Your GYNAZOLE is ready."

She grabbed her purse and stomped over to the counter. He was smiling at her, ready to ring up her purchase. "You might want to grab some probiotics to go with this. Fight the infection from the inside and the outside."

Bella just stood and stared at him. She rarely got angry and certainly not over feminine products with a man, but she had had enough.

"Listen Mr. Cullen!" She slammed her purse down in front of him and he blinked in surprise. "For future reference, when a lady hands you a script like that?" She pointed to the crinkly bag he was holding. "Go get one of the assistants to handle it. No one wants to talk to about her 'vaginal walls'" She mimicked his 'V' shaped hand motion from earlier, "with a DUDE."

Bella let out a satisfied breath.

_I told him. Good for me._

She didn't expect his hurt expression and dejected nodding. His loud voice was quiet, finally, "Of course, mam. I'm very sorry."

He motioned for her to sign the screen in front of her to accept the prescription. She hated the look on his face, like he was a puppy and she had just kicked him.

She took the bag from his hands, careful not to touch his fingers. She couldn't leave him all dejected and dragging. "It's okay. I over reacted. I get mean when I get embarrassed."

Instead of helping he shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Great job Cullen. Living the dream now, you big fool." He ran a hand through his perfect hair. He was talking to himself.

Bella bit her lip and he took her pause to explain himself more.

"This is my first day as a pharmacist. I just wanted to be really thorough and make sure you were comfortable with the medicine. I did a great job with that, huh?"

She had been so angry at him, but now she had compassion. This was his dream and she was probably the worst client to have.

Bella smiled at him, "It's okay, Mr. Cullen. I think you're going to make a great pharmacist." He looked at her doubtfully.

"No, really, you will." She reached out and patted his hand to solidify her message.

They both felt the spark, an actual, blue, snapping spark. Bella's wool jacket combined with the pharmacy rug had turned her into a walking electrical appliance. They both pulled their hands away from the contact, shaking their fingers.

"Damn!" Mr. Cullen stepped a few feet away from the counter and her.

Bella started to laugh, because it was clear nothing here was going to go well.

"Well, I guess you got me back. I hope you feel better soon Ms. Swan." He was smiling at her laughter. At least they could end the experience with a bit of joy.

"Call me Bella. You already know so much about me." She held her hand out formally.

He gave her a huge smile and went about the most awkward handshake of his life. He touched her palm with his first finger. When there was no shock, he tried to gently flick her finger, to get rid of any latent electricity.

"Ow!" she winced. His thumping forefinger made her hand curl its fingers.

"Sorry, sorry. I'm making a mess of this, but it's just I hate shocks." He finally grasped her hand, but it was before she could completely

unclamp her fingers, so he wound up shaking her claw.

"I'm Edward. Thanks for being my first customer and breaking me in." He was about to release her hand when she dropped her prescription bag between them.

They both reached for it at the same time and clanked foreheads together like drunken sumo wrestlers.

"Damn it!" Bella staggered backwards. Edward put his hands to his head, wincing in pain.

The assistants tried to stop giggling, but lost their battle.

Bella, scooped up the bag and backed away from the disastrous transaction. "Well Edward, I might remember nothing at all after that wack, but I won't forget when you banged me."

_Oh, Holy piss cushions. I just said he banged me. Like 'sex' bang. _

Edward reached into the little pharmacy refrigerator and pulled out the first bottle he laid his hands on. He pressed it against the slight contusion on his forehead. He waved in her direction and missed her verbal faux pas, because he was so deep in the middle of his own, shouting, "I like to leave a mark when I bang people!" in his too-loud voice.

Bella's last glimpse of him made her smile for days. To his forehead, as impromptu first aid, he had a cold bottle clearly marked in bold letters "**Anal Suppository! Keep Cold!**"

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**A/N I contributed a funny, real life story to MsKathy's effort to raise money for Haiti, so if you like to laugh, check out the link in my profile. For as little as $5 I promise you will giggle at my story. Spanks to Yogagal who helped inspire this one (sorry about that baby)  
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	2. Edward and Bella are Getting Married!

**A/N Welcome! Are you having a flare up and looking for more GYNAZOLE to sooth your itch? Well, despite the fact that this story is supposed to be dormant, it has risen again for a good cause. The wedding of Bella and Edward is planned at the Olive Garden! In order to claim you virtual seat at the nuptials, please donate to the _fandomfightstsunami (dot) blogspot (dot) com_/ (removing spaces and placing a period where the (dot)s are; also there is a link at the bottom of my profile.) The compilation has a ton of wonderful authors contributing, so it's not just this slop! It will be beta'd by my gorgeous shalu. Also I have a beautiful and adorable banner from Jamie Arkin for this chapter! (Thanks so much gorgeous!) Please see the note at the bottom for important information regarding GYNAZOLE.**

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Bella wasn't sure how everyone got so very involved in her wedding. They just were. Maybe she was too bubble-headed in love with Edward and his testicles. Everyone seemed to want a piece of her wedding to call his or her own.

Rosalie was first with her not-so-subtle nor superfluous demand. Bella had opened her apartment door to the angry Goth and tried to close it quickly. Rosalie was used to horrified rejection and stuck her foot in the doorway. She crawled around the door frame like an alien invading a ship.

Bella pretended just then to see her for the first time and overcompensated with niceness, "Oh Rosalie, fancy seeing you here. Spot of tea?"

Bella had no crapping idea why the nice version of herself was British.

Rosalie dragged her black wedding dress in behind her and thrust it at Bella.

She had no choice but to grab the hanger it was on.

"Um, yes, your dress. Do I owe you money for Edward's pocket knife alterations?" Bella squinted her eyes, waiting for the one or two word smack down.

Rosalie walked over to Bella's calendar and pointed at her wedding date. Bella had decorated the little box with free-handed sketches of Edward's balls. Then Rosalie pointed to the dress and then Bella.

Bella wished she sucked more at charades when she blurted out. "You want me to wear this dress to my wedding?"

Rosalie nodded. Through the open door, rolled That Bitch is Screwed, Rosalie's two legged cat. Steve the Cat prowled the hallways now, living between Mr. and Mrs. The King's apartment and Bella's. Steve also found That Bitch is Screwed's lack of ears and some of her legs quite appealing. He was often witnessed trying to hump the bejeesus out of the Rosalie's feline.

"Um, I kind of promised Edward I would wear white." Bella shrugged, hoping that Rosalie would understand.

The fact that the dress had taken one trip down the aisle and been on numerous dates with Emmett and Rose already wasn't the problem. She could even get over the color if she didn't know that both Alice and Rosalie had sex in the same dress.

Bella was afraid the stupid thing hadn't been laundered and that possibly the sperms from Jasper and Emmett were still hanging out on the lace like old men waiting for a bus. And she was afraid that bus would be her vagina. And her vagina would totally be handicap equipped with the massive lowering hydraulic mechanism.

_Where was she? Oh, right._

"So, you better take this back to your place and keep it safe." Bella held the dress away from her body and tried to ignore the mews of pleasure from the screwing cats.

Rosalie crossed her arms and shook her head. Bella didn't know how else to fight for her right to party in a dress that wouldn't get her knocked up by possibly three men. She shrugged and offered a limp, weak-backed, "Thanks then."

And so Bella had her dress.

Alice had decided that she was going to be the wedding's air ambiance designer, which also meant DJ. The playlist was eerily reminiscent to last years "Kidz Bop" album. Bella had no idea what her wedding song was going to be, but she was scared.

Mrs. The King and Mr. The King had declared that they would be filming the wedding night for research purposes, which Bella flat out refused, but neither of the Kings appeared to hear her.

Bella sighed as she painted her nails red. At least it would be all over on Sunday morning. At the end of it all, despite the weirdness she was sure would pile up like a wayward bunch of autumn leaves around her, she would be Mrs. Edward Isabella Swan Cullen the first.

Bella's phone alerted her to a tweet from her Edward.

**(a) Vamper_Sex Hello beautiful wife-to-be. I just picked up your wedding ring!**

**(a) 06201984M358 I've had yours for a while.**

Bella had actually purchased a wedding ring for Edward after their second date. She pulled out of its place in her bra and stroked it lovingly.

**(a) Vamper_sex Okay, look away so I can tell the followers what the inscription says.**

**(a) 06201984M358 Fine, eyes closed.**

Bella was lying. She refreshed her page until she saw his new tweets:

**I had the jeweler inscribe something very meaningful to my sweet fiancée.**

Bella squirmed as she imagined what lovely poetry he would write to her, words she would keep on her body forever.

**She and I met over the wondrous drug GYNAZOLE, so I had the UPC code for the product engraved on the band. **

Bella felt her dreams get punched in the tits by her reality. Damn it. Well, at least the crazy numbers would be on the inside and she would never have to explain them to everyone. He tweeted again.

**I had ****UPC**** 40559 03305 placed tastefully on her outside band so she can always look down and remember the day we met.**

_Fuck._

Bella began banging her head against her computer screen just as Steve the Cat came like a monster in That Bitch is Screwed. She really was this time.

So her wedding band was going to be littered with numbers to a yeast infection cream instead of diamonds. Bella looked from the black sperm dress to the panting spent cats back to computer screen.

She needed a break. She needed to freak out. Bella wanted to elope so bad she could almost taste it. Stomping out the door and closing it behind her, Bella decided to get a breath of fresh air.

The parking lot outside her apartment building was slightly damp, just like the cats upstairs. Her hair fell around her face as she looked at her sneakers. Worrying might give her a zit, and that would suck on her wedding day. If maybe she could keep a low profile for tonight and Saturday, she might be able to avoid anymore interlopers.

A car pulled up in front of Bella and she should have been more surprised that it was her own vehicle, but she wasn't.

Emmett lowered the window and looked her up and down. "Well, short tits, how's the wedding planning going? Crapping your pants with nerves yet?"

"Just don't offer to do anything for me or to me or around me." Bella crossed her arms and tried not to smile at her stupid friend.

"Get in, I'll take you for a ride in this sweet piece of metal. I'll drive it like I stole it." Emmett's two dimples invited her in.

"You did steal it, knuckle dragger." Bella moved around to the passenger side and got in.

Emmett took off before she could even get her door shut. After driving with very purposeful intention and merging onto the highway, Bella had to ask, "What the hell are you doing?"

He shrugged and locked eyes with her, "I have a present for you. Well, I have something to show you that you kind of inspired."

"Is this some awful, convoluted wedding present? Does Rosalie know about it?" Bella pushed her hair out of her eyes and looked in her backseat. She spied a set of luggage and a vat of Slim Jims. "Emmett!"

"No, Rosalie doesn't know. Yes, it's a wedding present. Can you just relax for a damn minute? Trust me." He turned up the radio and tuned her out.

Shaking her head, Bella sighed. Emmett was a stubborn son of a bitch, but letting go for a little while sounded appealing. She rested her head on the cold passenger window and closed her eyes, the last thing she thought was that it was a pretty Friday night and she had left her cell phone on her computer desk.

The sun opened Bella's eyes, begging her brain to make contact with her body. It took a minute for Bella to remember what the hell she was doing squinched up in her passenger seat. Her car was still moving, and Emmett had three Slim Jim's hanging out of his mouth.

Every muscle in her body felt like it had turned into dead toffee overnight.

OVERNIGHT!

"Emmett, what the hell? Where are we?" Bella began slapping his arm as he covered his mouth to protect his Slim Jims. It all came crashing into her head at once. His late in the game love for her, his hatred of her Pharmacist.

"Emmett Marie Green Balls McCarty are you KIDDNAPPING me the day before my goddamn wedding?"

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**Thank you again, for even considering donating to the cause. The destruction caused by the tsunami and earthquake in Japan pulled me from writing my original fiction in order to contribute. Above is just a teaser of the massive GYNAZOLE one shot I'll be contributing (over 7,000 words of stupidness and crazy!) Also, my gorgeous beta wrote me an outtake for GYNAZOLE as a present, (Emmett and Rosalie's wedding in the Slim Jim factory) which she has amazingly agreed to publish in the compilation. It's fantastic and hilarious, so you'll get even more silly for your money! **

**This is the last bit of new fanfiction I'll be writing, and it makes me very sad. GYNAZOLE will be removed from my profile on April 10th. I'll miss writing on this site very much. More information on my original fiction can be found at DebraAnastasia (dot) com. I'll update Poughkeespie when I have more information to share about its progress to print, so if you are interested, put it on your alerts. As always, you guys blow me away with your generosity and awesomeness! ~MTK**


	3. Breaking Wind at DawnFGB teaser

Emmett stood in front of his fridge at two in the morning. His choices were tough. Breakfast sausage, Italian sausage, kielbasa, or Slim Jims.

He slipped a hand into his whitie tighties and gave his balls a loving scratch. He held open his waistband and regarded his dick and balls.

"Hi guys. What are you in the mood for?"

His genitals didn't answer. The scars from the kitty he had trapped in his underwear and Bella's haywire dick piercing just gave his man danglers more appeal. Like 007. His balls were the 00s and his dick was the 7.

He couldn't decide so Emmett was inspired by the horrible turducken he had watched Paula Dean cook earlier. It had been like there was a poultry war and Paula was serving up the casualties basted in butter and her spit.

Emmett smiled as he unwrapped a Slim Jim and inserted it into the firm breakfast sausage. He cackled as he poked a hole in the Italian sausage and put the con-cock-tion inside.

He licked his lips and shook his ass as he got ready to put the ItalbreakJim into his waiting mouth.

"It's time."

Rosalie used two of her words and Emmett out of habit checked the clock on the wall, she would have eight more words for the day.

He spun around and faced his girlfriend who was also his stalker. "Bella's gonna crap out the baby? Let's go? Where's the pharmacist?"

Emmett headed for the door. Rosalie followed him as Emmett stuffed the mother fucking delicious ItalbreakJim into his mouth. He didn't expect an answer. He pounded on Bella's door and flung it open.

He wiped the grease off his lips and smeared it on his chest. "You ready pants crapper? Where's Eddie?"

Bella was wearing crocs and her reindeer robe. "My water broke and he took off running to the hospital! He's nervous. He runs really fast, so I guess he'll meet us there."

Her face crunched up and her stomach wiggled with the contraction, making all the reindeer dance.

"That's some exorcist shit right there. Your vagina is going to be like Howe's Cavern after this kid is done with you. Where are your keys? Do you have an extra pair of drawers?"

Bella pointed at the hook by the wall. After the contraction subsided, she tried to get up. "Em, put pants on. Seriously. If I have this kid in the car, I don't want her to see the outline of your moose knuckle first."

Rosalie dumped a bunch of cat food into a bowl for Steve the cat. Steve sat on the coffee table and stared directly into Bella's eyes, creepy style.

"No pants for me. I move faster in these." Emmett did elaborate squats to prove his point. He passed loud, wet gas as he did so.

"Jesus. Emmett do you need a mop?" Bella let Rosalie help her up.

"No baby, I have an anus like an anvil. Strong and tight." He grabbed her overnight bag and slung it over his shoulder. In the hallway they paused so Emmett could lock the door. "Next time you come through here you'll have a baby, baby."

Bella's looked scared and teared up a little. She smiled at Emmett. Another contraction hit her. Rosalie held Bella up while they waited for the pains to pass.

Emmett questioned her quickly, "How often are the coming?"

"I couldn't find my watch, but they are getting faster. Let's go." Bella started walking down the stairs carefully, grasping the handrail in case she needed to hold her balance though a pain.

Halfway down Bella gasped. "Another!"

Emmett turned to Rosalie and tossed her the diaper bag. He scooped up Bella and bounded down the stairs. He set her on her feet long enough to open the back door of the car. Rosalie slid into the driver's seat as Emmett passed her the keys.

"I'll sit back here with her in case the baby falls out."

As soon as Bella was settled, another contraction hit. Emmett noted the time and burped.

Bella looked worried, but came up coughing, "What the hell did you eat? That burp smelled like a cigar farted!"

Before he could come up with a response, Bella was leaning into his shoulder, groaning with pain.

"Faster Rose, this thing is happening now."

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**A/N I know what you're thinking. What the hell is this? Well I resurrected GYNAZOLE for the Fandom Gives Back compilation. This is the teaser. Bella gives birth VAGINALLY! It's a crazy ride. And the compilation is only $5! There are tons of talented authors. Plus, there is an auction going on and I'm donating a print, signed copy of Poughkeepsie and a charm bracelet that I made myself! (Poughkeepsie will be published on 11.22.11!) See my profile for the link to FGB and my website. You guys rock. This chapter will never be posted by me anywhere, so get it while it's hot. ;) Love, MTK  
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